A legacy...

Last year, in October, we lost a beautiful dear friend. He had such a huge impact on my life and how i will live it. He had a quiet magic about him, that only a priveledged few got to experience... I will forever be grateful that I was one of those few lucky people! Ray was Brendans best friend of over 20 years - and in the last four years he has helped me to understand not only my husband, but myself, life.... gosh SO much. He would scoff at the idea that I would call him wise and ESPECIALLY magical (a litle bit 'girly', he'd think lol), he was humble and, as far as he thought, 'just plain common-sense'.... I have been trying to write a post about Ray for months now.... and this isn't it.... it has to be perfect....


Ray & I at my wedding...

This tale, however, is about a gift which Ray left us when he passed away... though i will add that his gifts will never stop coming - his memory, his stories and the MANY things he taught me are firmly nestled in my heart and mind forever more..

Ray chose to leave us, well, everything he owned. And with this came his most cherished possesion, his home and property.... This consists of a small 2 bedroom house (which was a shed originally) and a beautiful, BEAUTIFUL acreage surrounding it. Ray's house (as it will ALWAYS be known) is simple, nothing at all fancy about it (just like Ray lol) the simplest of furnishings... it was really just a single mans house. But now, to Brendan, the kids and I, it is a magical place with years and years of memories and stories we can share with the kids...
It still remains as Ray left it, and until this last weekend, I had not been back for some time. The idea of going through his belongings made me feel like a voyer. Moving things was out of the question, in my mind, because everything was where Ray wanted it to be - and with Ray, that ment they were in THE perfect spot (i'd almost wait for some mystical 'kick up the bum' when i would move something, or not put something back - i would stop and imagine him lecturing me as to why it should be there in great detail) It felt bad.... but so did the fact that i wasn't visiting his favourite place and looking after it like i promised i would... so this weekend, Brendan, the kids and I stayed at Ray's Place. We bad a bonfire (the first real bonfire for the kids!), we played in the yard, tidied the yard and house - but, most of all, we made ourselves 'at home'... and I have to honest, I felt very much at home!

There really is something empowering, magical even, about living life so simply. Living this lifestyle really highlights the truly important things in our life - the kids, each other, nature.... i'd throw the TV out if i could... but, as long as football exists in the world, my husband would never allow such a sin!
This weekend is my favourite family 'holiday' to date! I watched my husband work tirelessly in the yard, I spent many hours just talking with him, spending true quality time together... and I enjoyed it! (lol) The kids had so much room they went a little crazy with excitement.... but they just ran, played, painted... they embraced the freedom they just can't have at our place.






On the first night we had some friends come over for a few drinks as the kids stayed with their nan... one couple had been friends and neighbours of Rays for some years, they even brought some crabs they had caught that day... yummo.. and as we all sat at the bonfire, drinking and having a laugh, I was just SO content, that moment was exactly what Ray wanted us to have it for... it was just awesome!...

The following night the girls were back already, and it was just the four of us. Though Mum was over for tea earlier which was lovely. After we showered the kids and rugged them up the four of us got comfy near the fire and just chatted.... until the kids fell asleep, right there in the light of the fire... this exact moment was my favourite family moment so far....


... so I got a photo... lol

And so, it goes without saying that, the chances of us renting this place out and living out at Ray's Place are very big!... Here's hoping this is possible!!

There will be much to do, and it's going to take alot of hard work... but it will be well worth it, if only so we can truly teach the girls what Ray was really about, so that then they can really, truly understand the importance, not only of Ray's legacy, but of his life. Ray, here's to you mate xx

Take care fellow bloggers. xo

Where to from here?

So my art.... it gives me hours of joy (generally not all in one lump sum) but only happens here and there. I'd like it to happen more often... heck i'd love it to be a career - of sorts...



So this piece above was done at our mates' place on a wall downstairs. This was done with acrylic paints on what i believe to be a masonite sheeted wall. They are obviously fans of the Eels... and were delighted with this - it never got finished, as they lived in Rockhampton at the time and I did it when we went up there for a holiday. I am pretty sure they cut it out of the wall when they moved so they could keep it - i'll have to check...



This piece.... is one of many naked women images i have done. Over the years I have grown to respect the female body and it's many bumps and curves. Having fought against my own self image (and still struggle with at times) for so long and now finally i am coming to terms with the fact that its mine for keeps... doh! lol This was done with chalk pastels and i used my fingers to blend colours...



This was an image i started a few years ago... it consists of two angels - one a boy and one a girl... Brendan wants this to be taken down to the Oncology ward as a 'thank you' for their care when Ray was ill.... it's not finished in my eyes... but then again, not many of my paintings are.... hmmm...



This one is definately not finished.... when she was originally done, she was drawns with chalk pastels - an effective and fun medium. But after looking at her again and again I wanted her bolder. The way I see it, a woman with as much confidence as this should be painted as boldly as she seems in character - i love how comfortable she looks even though she is totally exposed. Her boobs needed to go up a few sizes after i'd decided she was too skinny and therefore widened her thighs and hips... so i still have many details to finish off on this one - nevertheless, she is happly hanging in our bedroom.... the kids like to point out that she has boobies like mummy.... i WISH girls lol



Acrylics were used on this simple piece. one to capture the beaty in the curves that nature creates when a woman is 'with child'.....





And this cutie (?) was created during a playdough session with the girls.... I thoroughly enjoyed doing this and using the playdough..... am now planning on getting some clay...
Now, the reason I am showing you these things is this. What on earth will i do with all this creativity. I guess I just wanted some feedback... maybe even some ideas.... As much as I have inklings to do other things with my life, such as midwifery... art is the one constant... it has always been there. I have always had books to draw in, if not tables full of paints, canvasses and all the other artistic paraphenalia... My girls inspire me - but they are no career councellors lol

So anyway.... until next time fellow bloggers, take care ok : )
Tamela xo

The ugly, honest truth.... :)

I have been going through all my documents and cleaning up my computer due to the ever growing collection of kids' photos taking over the hard drive...

And I have come across my old blogs which i posted on Myspace (remember that? LOL)... gosh, has my life certainly had a few changes since these stories were written. Life has improved tenfold and it's going over these old tales that make me realise that the many more hurdles I will undoubtedly come across can be conquered. I wanted to share this, it's Sienna's birth story. It includes an intro which explains a little of life before she even existed as a peanut sized little thing inside me.... it's real, and it's raw... but it happened. And, gosh am I happy to say that our world has come a long way since those days....

So here goes...

Falling pregnant with Sienna was extremely scary - it was my first pregnancy and Brendan and i had not only been dating for a limited time, but I had actually only just broken up with him when i had 'that feeling'....3 tests and a lot of tears and fears later, and a rum to calm me down, I was officially 'with child'. I remember turning up to Brendan’s late at night and waking him up to tell him...that was hard. But the look on his face made it easier at that point. He was actually happy. At 37 years of age he had resigned to the fact that he wasn't going to have kids, so this was really important to him. Obviously we couldn't then sleep so we ended up in the bar at home playing pool for a couple of hours and managing to actually get really excited about the whole idea of a child.

Now, I’d love to say that we lived happily ever after and welcomed our child in a calamity of tears and laughter, but that's just not the case. The reality was, we hardly knew each other and although we had created an amazing little miracle together, one that we were happy and excited to experience, we were scared. I had spent most of my time pre-pregnancy, drinking and partying as hard as I possibly could, I was used to my social life including at least a six pack and he was used to me being drunk to be honest. That’s how we knew each other. That sounds bad, and no, I wasn’t an alcoholic, we did do other things. But our life was the job site, the pub, then home pretty much. Well, this is how I remember it anyway. Brendan is adamant we had many a sober and ‘normal’ moment….and I’m sure we did…I just don’t remember!
So all of a sudden my life as it seemed, just stopped. It was at this point we really had to face each other in a raw state. Something we hadn’t ever done. We suddenly had to make IMPORTANT choices and decisions together, again, something we hadn’t done. And we clashed on just about everything. Having a baby is a HUGE thing, the pressure of that and our constant disagreements broke us up…..things just got worse and worse. Out of fear of our extreme situation we reacted to things in extreme ways. Our emotions were so intense and we parted with me 3 months pregnant and us pretty much hating each other…..6 months later I’m due to give birth and we still weren’t speaking…

The Labor…. I was 8 days overdue and booked in for an induction. Brendan wasn’t advised. It was a hard thing to do, but things had really become ugly between us. I just wanted as smooth a birth as possible… The induction process was bazaar if you ask me. They inserted, quite literally, a piece of ribbon into…ahem…there. The fluid it was soaked in obviously was meant to stimulate contractions. I couldn’t help but quietly question this ‘ribbon’ idea! That was at 1pm. An hour later I felt a twinge….funnily enough I thought that was actually a sign that it WASN'T working and that it was just ‘annoying’ my cervix….within half an hour I realized it was, infact, working. I wasn’t in pain, and wasn’t having full blown contractions but I was uncomfortable and couldn’t sit still. I had a constant sensation much like someone had a toothbrush or the like in my vagina (that's the best i could come up with!! LOL). It wasn’t good, and it stung. 4pm came and I was 4 cm dilated. It was at this point they decided to break my waters. As the midwife explained what was about to happen I noticed she was brandishing a knitting needle with a hook on the end.
“So…after you break my waters we’re gonna have a craft lesson? I didn’t read this in the pregnancy manual!...”
The nurse managed to 'quick-unpick' the sack, and with a ‘POP’ my waters gushed out like a broken dam Now, THAT I read in the manual! Just as I started to get excited, thinking the birth was imminent, the contractions hit. BANG…ouch, relax. BANG…ouch, relax….etc. But within a couple of hours it hurt too much to even say ouch! By 6ish I found myself in the shower balanced precariously on a gym ball with the gas mouthpiece firmly gripped between my teeth. For me, the gas did NOTHING. Sorry I lie; the gas had the same effect on me as say a six pack of Jack Daniels and a couple of cones(so I hear...). Yet the pain continued to intensify. Eventually I got back on the bed where I curled into a fetal position and went silent. My contractions were now on top of each other with no breaks in between. Amazingly (or stupidly) at this point I still wanted to go without pain relief. Some hero I am, because within half an hour I was hooked up with an epidural and blowing kisses at the anesthetist. The relief was unreal.
My mother, my brother, my brothers’ girlfriend and my best mate Ash were all there and after the epidural set in, we all just sat around chatting – it was surreal. I was in labor but the silence and serenity was unexpected. And I felt nothing…and I mean NOTHING. The silence wasn’t as appreciated when I heard an almighty fart occur – and then realized it was me!!! How embarrassing – everyone was so polite…but I’m sure they were as embarrassed as I was. After the 5th or 6th fart I was over the embarrassment and was ready for a nap. So I slept for a while, and everyone was left just to pace the corridors and wait…until 6am!

When it came time to push the epidural was still working just as hard as ever and so I had to be told when I was contracting – I didn’t like this at all, I felt like I had no control at all. I couldn’t feel how hard I was pushing or even if I was pushing at all! But an hour and a half, an episiotomy and a vacuum extraction later, Sienna Cate was delivered onto my chest. She was blowing bubbles but pink and well! The experience is one that, after almost 16 months, I still cannot put into words…seeing her face for the first time…seeing what grew inside of me….it’s just an AWESOME act of nature.
The not so awesome act of nature was that my placenta was stuck, and after an especially long time attempting to push it out I was taken to surgery to have it removed. WARNING: if you are having a baby or are planning to – be sure to put in your labor plans that if you have a retained placenta that you MUST be under a GENERAL ANESTHETIC not just an extra shot in the epidural. I was awake and very aware during this short surgery and was completely traumatized by the fact that it was removed by way of the surgeon putting his hand/arm up….ahem…there… and manually retrieving the placenta! It didn’t hurt, but it was just all too much.


That all said, within 24 hours of the entire experience, I stated I’d do it ALL again for the sake of the miracle of a child….and I stand by that. There’s a big chance my placenta will stick again…there’s chances of lots of things in every pregnancy, labor and birth…and I’m not about to stress about it all. Once you’re holding your baby the dramas don’t matter. As pregnant women and as mothers all we can do is the best we possibly can with what we have and know, the rest…is beyond us. At the end of the day, if both Mother and Baby are well, then that’s a bonus and a miracle we are lucky to experience.

A lot happened in the next 9 months. But to sum it up, Brendan only met Sienna at 9 months, after months of bitterness and anger and lawyers and mediations. We worked out that we would have sorted things sooner if it weren’t for the lawyers. Brendan’s lawyers in particular didn’t help, with his first lawyer advising him to ask for minimal visits with Sienna. This was not what he wanted and when I received the court papers my lawyer and I took it as a sign that he didn’t care much for the daughter he hadn’t yet met. He then proceeded to change lawyers 2 more times which then made him look bad again (in the legal eye)….but to get to the point. The first time we had a chance to meet eye to eye and talk was the start of it all falling back into place. If you ever find yourself in this situation please, PLEASE I advise you to attempt independent mediation outside of the legal community!!! Get as much information as possible and do everything you possibly can to get some healthy communication started BEFORE you seek legal help…..that is if there is no abuse or the like of course.

Well... that was the entire blog.... that was how i felt. I have felt no need to omit anything I had saved and have only fixed any obvious grammatical errors..... I told you it was VERY honest! LOL

So there you go, a little more background from me.

Until next time, take care fellow bloggers xo

They tell me it's good to talk about it...

Ok, so I was adamant I was NOT going to publish anything on our recent lifes' twists. I was so sure I was going to be fine - in fact, I have been open with my close friends etc about how i understand the Why's etc of the situation. The only thing i have had no control over since it happened is my own head... it is choosing to 'hold on' to it all, and it's driving me nuts. So, here I am, putting it up for the world to see, in the somewhat vain hope that this may help.

WARNING: the proceeding content may be somewhat depressing/sad or whatever, so if you are in a great mood i advise you stay that way by not reading any further...

So, we were pregnant. I had done test after test after test... you get the picture! I tried every brand of pregnancy test available for over a week trying to decipher wether or not the VERY faint line in the 'positive' window was a sign of a dodgy test or a sign of very early pregnancy. Brendan, having poor eyesight even WITH his glasses, was adamant i was seeing something that wasn't there. I had been aware for some time that Brendan was NOT in favour of any more kids at the moment - if AT ALL. I also had been aware since having Ari (2 years ago next month) that I was VERY MUCH IN favour of having AT LEAST one more miracle. So when i kept reading 2 lines I didn't want to get my hopes up - i just kept testing and got a little more excited as the lines became darker and darker.... YAY - I finally admitted to myself that I WAS, infact, PREGNANT. And, only after investing in a digital test (mainly so that it would be CLEAR AS DAY to Brendan) did i feel safe enough to succumb to what i was feeling... I was pregnant, exctatic, over-the-moon, over-joyed, crying with happiness and BURSTING TO TELL THE WORLD... which I did, on Facebook.

I knew it was too early but i guess I felt 'safe' enough to let all know. And i even printed out the 2 pages of Facebook comments in response to my 'Pregnancy post' in readiness for the 'Baby number 3 journal'...

Only days later, I experienced spotting... I kept quiet to start with, and googled it and researched 'bleeding during pregnancy' in any way I could. Let me say at this point, I really felt there were WAY TOO many 'hopeful' people out there on different pregnancy forums with reasons for me to think all was still ok. My gut feeling kept me grounded somewhat, but I still allowed myself the smallest of hopes that this was just 'one of those pregnancies'.
I found myself imagining what this bubbas 21st speech would be like from me - telling him/her how much stress i was under while pregnant with him/her and joking that that stress never ceased haha...

So, the spotting not only continued, but grew. My heart sank - to say the least - as I knew what was happening. It's funny how after only a couple of weeks of being aware of this being, we mums put so much hope into their future and all that goes with it. These hopes are what makes it hard to let go of. There is so much in my head that has to do with something which isn't here anymore.

I DO understand the way of the world. I DO understand that miscarriage is common and that it is a natural phenomenon that aids in evolution etc... I DO understand that this is a small occurance in the bigger scheme of things as far as my life goes... but i'm just gutted. To be having an ultrasound for the sole purpose of making sure 'it is all gone' is a traumatic thing. I smiled through it. I told Rachel - who went with me but she was asked to stay outside - WHY!??? I NEEDED her! - that I was fine and the results were what i expected. I joked that now I could have a rum. To be honest I would have rathered to be pregnant and sipping my tea.

All in all, I am very aware of how lucky I am to already have 2 healthy kids. They are just beautiful and they make my world go round. My girls have simply just MADE MY WORLD. But i have to admit it out loud (as I am now) that I am damn sad that I lost that bubba. I now have 2 angels here on earth with me and 2 in heaven (or wherever they go) - gosh thats another thing... I had conjured up this belief in my head that this third baby was a gift from Ray - he knew how much i wanted atleast one more - not only did that make it all mean so much more but it helped to deal with him not being 'here' with us anymore. And now - i can't make logical sense out of either this lost baby OR Ray and where he is now.
I've lost a big chunk of the hope I had of life, the universe and everything (Ray loved that series - Hitchhikers'...) And so i'm a little stumped.

I just HAD to write this, I HAD to put it up for all to see, and am hoping for a comment or two - just in the hope that others may have a way in which i can 'find my way back' to where I was emotionally. I hate feeling this weak. I was so SO unbelievably on top of my own 'things', and i'd hate to drag this out much longer. Happiness is where i'd rather be...

So I guess, this is a request for any directions any readers may have.... my lifes' map (which i KNOW only goes as far as I am right now) has become a little distorted...

Love to all of you. Take care, Tamela xo

Lots to do...

I'm sitting down at my PC, listening to Tracy Chapman, sipping a glass of Moscato and trying to relax about all the things I have on my agenda....
This is difficult as I have THE worst time management skills in the world! I have a pile of baby shower invites for a friend which I am determined to finish this week ( I was adamant I HAD to craft them myself - it's her first - it HAS to be special!! lol) but I think since having the miscarriage I have been avoiding them... they are just sitting there half done.... looking at me... willing me to become inspired and get crafty!!... Maybe tonight is my night to 'get back into the groove'! I WILL finish them - and they WILL be awesome... so i have no real worries - i just had it in my head that they would be done by now. I have also started a baby journal for her so that she has a personalised special book in which to write, stick and keep anything she wishes to keep for her new bubba.

Another thing is a card i am making for a friends' baby tomorrow - it's her Naming Day - I have the gift sorted but I will have it no other way than to have a homemade card from me to mark the special day.... it will happen... but here I am 'blogging', so it's looking to be a long night of crafty events!

There is more that i have on my 'to do' list. It's really all about babies, that's just the time of life we are all at right now i guess. BABIES EVERYWHERE!!! LOL It's quite lovely really seeing all these healthy bubbas making there way into the world, our lives and ultimately our hearts. What a special time of life hey!
It really makes a huge difference to have been through the experience of having your own child to REALLY understand how very special these new parents feel at this point in their lives. It's a spectacular experience that, to me, beats NO OTHER in life!
I look forward to experiencing it all at least on more time one day in the future when the time is right.



But for now, I should go, my procrastination has bought me, once again, to a 'night before it's due' situation and I'd hate to have to be finalising anything in the morning when i'm getting the girls and I all ready for our day at Makeita's Naming Ceremony.
So to you all, I wish you well and to those readers who are parents - love to you and your little miracles ;)
Take care ok, Tamela

A New Tattoo!...

So ,today, I got myself a new tattoo. It's been 12 years since my last one - and that was a little chinese character for 'teardrop'.... i'm still trying to figure out what else i will do with that one...
This one, an angel (complete with halo - just to throw everyone off hehe) is symbolic of the people I have recently lost in the physical sense. It will serve as a reminder to me that they will always be right beside me - wherever I go.... I love it heaps!! So here's a shout out to all my angels watching over me! Thanks for everything you were to me before you left us, and thanks for all you will forever represent. xoxo

My first official Blog...

I'm really excited to have finally bitten the bullet and created my very own 'Blog'!!!
Over time I have watched many a friend create wonderful slices of their life and dished them up for all to read. Living in such a busy time in life, I have found these snippets of my friends' lives most important in keeping up with 'all the little' things as well as the big things that we miss as we get busy, well... just living really.

I haven't got much to say as I have spent most of my evening sorting out accounts etc in order to be able to create this blog.... A blend of energetic kids, normal weariness, normal chores and not enough cups of tea has not helped me 'focus' during this process hehe

Briefly, though, I will fill you in on who i am and where i am in this crazy-wonderful world of ours at this point in time. I am a PROUD Tasmanian - that sums it up doesn't it!?.. No, seriously... I have a beautiful little family made up of 2 gorgeous girls who are nearly 4 and nearly 2. A talented husband who runs his own business. A loving dog named Jasmine and a cat called Carly (the cat and I have...issues). We love our home and don't plan on moving ever - and we plan on renovating over the years but are taking it slow (read: the kids are sucking us DRY already!!!) I am a stay-at-home-mum still.... and would love to hear the pitter patter of some more tiny feet before too long... just one more set will do me!

I love to paint on canvass. I LOVE whats available now with scrap-booking - I am in love with making journals and journaling!!!!
I am content... enough. Though i worry - mostly about unnecessary things. I love my children so much i'd die for them - but they can ware me down and i can get down sometimes. I have the best intentions for my kids - and admit that they aren't always carried out. I have been known to have mothers' guilt about many things.... faults, I have many, however, my heart is beating harder than ever at this time in my life. I love the person I am becoming. I love what i'm learning about life right now. And I love those closest to me for giving me the previlidge of standing beside you all.

I am embracing who I am and who I walk with and my eyes have never been so open....
I have never been so accepting of myself in my whole life - it feels good.

So there you have it, a quick summary of where I am at right at this moment in my life. What a great moment to be in!

Here's to a long blogging experience with much to read and write about!

Take care, Tamela xo