They tell me it's good to talk about it...

Ok, so I was adamant I was NOT going to publish anything on our recent lifes' twists. I was so sure I was going to be fine - in fact, I have been open with my close friends etc about how i understand the Why's etc of the situation. The only thing i have had no control over since it happened is my own head... it is choosing to 'hold on' to it all, and it's driving me nuts. So, here I am, putting it up for the world to see, in the somewhat vain hope that this may help.

WARNING: the proceeding content may be somewhat depressing/sad or whatever, so if you are in a great mood i advise you stay that way by not reading any further...

So, we were pregnant. I had done test after test after test... you get the picture! I tried every brand of pregnancy test available for over a week trying to decipher wether or not the VERY faint line in the 'positive' window was a sign of a dodgy test or a sign of very early pregnancy. Brendan, having poor eyesight even WITH his glasses, was adamant i was seeing something that wasn't there. I had been aware for some time that Brendan was NOT in favour of any more kids at the moment - if AT ALL. I also had been aware since having Ari (2 years ago next month) that I was VERY MUCH IN favour of having AT LEAST one more miracle. So when i kept reading 2 lines I didn't want to get my hopes up - i just kept testing and got a little more excited as the lines became darker and darker.... YAY - I finally admitted to myself that I WAS, infact, PREGNANT. And, only after investing in a digital test (mainly so that it would be CLEAR AS DAY to Brendan) did i feel safe enough to succumb to what i was feeling... I was pregnant, exctatic, over-the-moon, over-joyed, crying with happiness and BURSTING TO TELL THE WORLD... which I did, on Facebook.

I knew it was too early but i guess I felt 'safe' enough to let all know. And i even printed out the 2 pages of Facebook comments in response to my 'Pregnancy post' in readiness for the 'Baby number 3 journal'...

Only days later, I experienced spotting... I kept quiet to start with, and googled it and researched 'bleeding during pregnancy' in any way I could. Let me say at this point, I really felt there were WAY TOO many 'hopeful' people out there on different pregnancy forums with reasons for me to think all was still ok. My gut feeling kept me grounded somewhat, but I still allowed myself the smallest of hopes that this was just 'one of those pregnancies'.
I found myself imagining what this bubbas 21st speech would be like from me - telling him/her how much stress i was under while pregnant with him/her and joking that that stress never ceased haha...

So, the spotting not only continued, but grew. My heart sank - to say the least - as I knew what was happening. It's funny how after only a couple of weeks of being aware of this being, we mums put so much hope into their future and all that goes with it. These hopes are what makes it hard to let go of. There is so much in my head that has to do with something which isn't here anymore.

I DO understand the way of the world. I DO understand that miscarriage is common and that it is a natural phenomenon that aids in evolution etc... I DO understand that this is a small occurance in the bigger scheme of things as far as my life goes... but i'm just gutted. To be having an ultrasound for the sole purpose of making sure 'it is all gone' is a traumatic thing. I smiled through it. I told Rachel - who went with me but she was asked to stay outside - WHY!??? I NEEDED her! - that I was fine and the results were what i expected. I joked that now I could have a rum. To be honest I would have rathered to be pregnant and sipping my tea.

All in all, I am very aware of how lucky I am to already have 2 healthy kids. They are just beautiful and they make my world go round. My girls have simply just MADE MY WORLD. But i have to admit it out loud (as I am now) that I am damn sad that I lost that bubba. I now have 2 angels here on earth with me and 2 in heaven (or wherever they go) - gosh thats another thing... I had conjured up this belief in my head that this third baby was a gift from Ray - he knew how much i wanted atleast one more - not only did that make it all mean so much more but it helped to deal with him not being 'here' with us anymore. And now - i can't make logical sense out of either this lost baby OR Ray and where he is now.
I've lost a big chunk of the hope I had of life, the universe and everything (Ray loved that series - Hitchhikers'...) And so i'm a little stumped.

I just HAD to write this, I HAD to put it up for all to see, and am hoping for a comment or two - just in the hope that others may have a way in which i can 'find my way back' to where I was emotionally. I hate feeling this weak. I was so SO unbelievably on top of my own 'things', and i'd hate to drag this out much longer. Happiness is where i'd rather be...

So I guess, this is a request for any directions any readers may have.... my lifes' map (which i KNOW only goes as far as I am right now) has become a little distorted...

Love to all of you. Take care, Tamela xo