They tell me it's good to talk about it...

Ok, so I was adamant I was NOT going to publish anything on our recent lifes' twists. I was so sure I was going to be fine - in fact, I have been open with my close friends etc about how i understand the Why's etc of the situation. The only thing i have had no control over since it happened is my own head... it is choosing to 'hold on' to it all, and it's driving me nuts. So, here I am, putting it up for the world to see, in the somewhat vain hope that this may help.

WARNING: the proceeding content may be somewhat depressing/sad or whatever, so if you are in a great mood i advise you stay that way by not reading any further...

So, we were pregnant. I had done test after test after test... you get the picture! I tried every brand of pregnancy test available for over a week trying to decipher wether or not the VERY faint line in the 'positive' window was a sign of a dodgy test or a sign of very early pregnancy. Brendan, having poor eyesight even WITH his glasses, was adamant i was seeing something that wasn't there. I had been aware for some time that Brendan was NOT in favour of any more kids at the moment - if AT ALL. I also had been aware since having Ari (2 years ago next month) that I was VERY MUCH IN favour of having AT LEAST one more miracle. So when i kept reading 2 lines I didn't want to get my hopes up - i just kept testing and got a little more excited as the lines became darker and darker.... YAY - I finally admitted to myself that I WAS, infact, PREGNANT. And, only after investing in a digital test (mainly so that it would be CLEAR AS DAY to Brendan) did i feel safe enough to succumb to what i was feeling... I was pregnant, exctatic, over-the-moon, over-joyed, crying with happiness and BURSTING TO TELL THE WORLD... which I did, on Facebook.

I knew it was too early but i guess I felt 'safe' enough to let all know. And i even printed out the 2 pages of Facebook comments in response to my 'Pregnancy post' in readiness for the 'Baby number 3 journal'...

Only days later, I experienced spotting... I kept quiet to start with, and googled it and researched 'bleeding during pregnancy' in any way I could. Let me say at this point, I really felt there were WAY TOO many 'hopeful' people out there on different pregnancy forums with reasons for me to think all was still ok. My gut feeling kept me grounded somewhat, but I still allowed myself the smallest of hopes that this was just 'one of those pregnancies'.
I found myself imagining what this bubbas 21st speech would be like from me - telling him/her how much stress i was under while pregnant with him/her and joking that that stress never ceased haha...

So, the spotting not only continued, but grew. My heart sank - to say the least - as I knew what was happening. It's funny how after only a couple of weeks of being aware of this being, we mums put so much hope into their future and all that goes with it. These hopes are what makes it hard to let go of. There is so much in my head that has to do with something which isn't here anymore.

I DO understand the way of the world. I DO understand that miscarriage is common and that it is a natural phenomenon that aids in evolution etc... I DO understand that this is a small occurance in the bigger scheme of things as far as my life goes... but i'm just gutted. To be having an ultrasound for the sole purpose of making sure 'it is all gone' is a traumatic thing. I smiled through it. I told Rachel - who went with me but she was asked to stay outside - WHY!??? I NEEDED her! - that I was fine and the results were what i expected. I joked that now I could have a rum. To be honest I would have rathered to be pregnant and sipping my tea.

All in all, I am very aware of how lucky I am to already have 2 healthy kids. They are just beautiful and they make my world go round. My girls have simply just MADE MY WORLD. But i have to admit it out loud (as I am now) that I am damn sad that I lost that bubba. I now have 2 angels here on earth with me and 2 in heaven (or wherever they go) - gosh thats another thing... I had conjured up this belief in my head that this third baby was a gift from Ray - he knew how much i wanted atleast one more - not only did that make it all mean so much more but it helped to deal with him not being 'here' with us anymore. And now - i can't make logical sense out of either this lost baby OR Ray and where he is now.
I've lost a big chunk of the hope I had of life, the universe and everything (Ray loved that series - Hitchhikers'...) And so i'm a little stumped.

I just HAD to write this, I HAD to put it up for all to see, and am hoping for a comment or two - just in the hope that others may have a way in which i can 'find my way back' to where I was emotionally. I hate feeling this weak. I was so SO unbelievably on top of my own 'things', and i'd hate to drag this out much longer. Happiness is where i'd rather be...

So I guess, this is a request for any directions any readers may have.... my lifes' map (which i KNOW only goes as far as I am right now) has become a little distorted...

Love to all of you. Take care, Tamela xo

Lots to do...

I'm sitting down at my PC, listening to Tracy Chapman, sipping a glass of Moscato and trying to relax about all the things I have on my agenda....
This is difficult as I have THE worst time management skills in the world! I have a pile of baby shower invites for a friend which I am determined to finish this week ( I was adamant I HAD to craft them myself - it's her first - it HAS to be special!! lol) but I think since having the miscarriage I have been avoiding them... they are just sitting there half done.... looking at me... willing me to become inspired and get crafty!!... Maybe tonight is my night to 'get back into the groove'! I WILL finish them - and they WILL be awesome... so i have no real worries - i just had it in my head that they would be done by now. I have also started a baby journal for her so that she has a personalised special book in which to write, stick and keep anything she wishes to keep for her new bubba.

Another thing is a card i am making for a friends' baby tomorrow - it's her Naming Day - I have the gift sorted but I will have it no other way than to have a homemade card from me to mark the special day.... it will happen... but here I am 'blogging', so it's looking to be a long night of crafty events!

There is more that i have on my 'to do' list. It's really all about babies, that's just the time of life we are all at right now i guess. BABIES EVERYWHERE!!! LOL It's quite lovely really seeing all these healthy bubbas making there way into the world, our lives and ultimately our hearts. What a special time of life hey!
It really makes a huge difference to have been through the experience of having your own child to REALLY understand how very special these new parents feel at this point in their lives. It's a spectacular experience that, to me, beats NO OTHER in life!
I look forward to experiencing it all at least on more time one day in the future when the time is right.



But for now, I should go, my procrastination has bought me, once again, to a 'night before it's due' situation and I'd hate to have to be finalising anything in the morning when i'm getting the girls and I all ready for our day at Makeita's Naming Ceremony.
So to you all, I wish you well and to those readers who are parents - love to you and your little miracles ;)
Take care ok, Tamela

A New Tattoo!...

So ,today, I got myself a new tattoo. It's been 12 years since my last one - and that was a little chinese character for 'teardrop'.... i'm still trying to figure out what else i will do with that one...
This one, an angel (complete with halo - just to throw everyone off hehe) is symbolic of the people I have recently lost in the physical sense. It will serve as a reminder to me that they will always be right beside me - wherever I go.... I love it heaps!! So here's a shout out to all my angels watching over me! Thanks for everything you were to me before you left us, and thanks for all you will forever represent. xoxo

My first official Blog...

I'm really excited to have finally bitten the bullet and created my very own 'Blog'!!!
Over time I have watched many a friend create wonderful slices of their life and dished them up for all to read. Living in such a busy time in life, I have found these snippets of my friends' lives most important in keeping up with 'all the little' things as well as the big things that we miss as we get busy, well... just living really.

I haven't got much to say as I have spent most of my evening sorting out accounts etc in order to be able to create this blog.... A blend of energetic kids, normal weariness, normal chores and not enough cups of tea has not helped me 'focus' during this process hehe

Briefly, though, I will fill you in on who i am and where i am in this crazy-wonderful world of ours at this point in time. I am a PROUD Tasmanian - that sums it up doesn't it!?.. No, seriously... I have a beautiful little family made up of 2 gorgeous girls who are nearly 4 and nearly 2. A talented husband who runs his own business. A loving dog named Jasmine and a cat called Carly (the cat and I have...issues). We love our home and don't plan on moving ever - and we plan on renovating over the years but are taking it slow (read: the kids are sucking us DRY already!!!) I am a stay-at-home-mum still.... and would love to hear the pitter patter of some more tiny feet before too long... just one more set will do me!

I love to paint on canvass. I LOVE whats available now with scrap-booking - I am in love with making journals and journaling!!!!
I am content... enough. Though i worry - mostly about unnecessary things. I love my children so much i'd die for them - but they can ware me down and i can get down sometimes. I have the best intentions for my kids - and admit that they aren't always carried out. I have been known to have mothers' guilt about many things.... faults, I have many, however, my heart is beating harder than ever at this time in my life. I love the person I am becoming. I love what i'm learning about life right now. And I love those closest to me for giving me the previlidge of standing beside you all.

I am embracing who I am and who I walk with and my eyes have never been so open....
I have never been so accepting of myself in my whole life - it feels good.

So there you have it, a quick summary of where I am at right at this moment in my life. What a great moment to be in!

Here's to a long blogging experience with much to read and write about!

Take care, Tamela xo