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I'm still learning who I am and what i'm meant to be doing, but in the meantime, I am enjoying my role as a mother to 2 gorgeous girls and a wife to a man that has a whole lotta heart... I used to sit and wait for tomorrow but i'm enjoying 'right now' too much to bother anymore xo

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The ugly, honest truth.... :)

I have been going through all my documents and cleaning up my computer due to the ever growing collection of kids' photos taking over the hard drive...

And I have come across my old blogs which i posted on Myspace (remember that? LOL)... gosh, has my life certainly had a few changes since these stories were written. Life has improved tenfold and it's going over these old tales that make me realise that the many more hurdles I will undoubtedly come across can be conquered. I wanted to share this, it's Sienna's birth story. It includes an intro which explains a little of life before she even existed as a peanut sized little thing inside me.... it's real, and it's raw... but it happened. And, gosh am I happy to say that our world has come a long way since those days....

So here goes...

Falling pregnant with Sienna was extremely scary - it was my first pregnancy and Brendan and i had not only been dating for a limited time, but I had actually only just broken up with him when i had 'that feeling'....3 tests and a lot of tears and fears later, and a rum to calm me down, I was officially 'with child'. I remember turning up to Brendan’s late at night and waking him up to tell him...that was hard. But the look on his face made it easier at that point. He was actually happy. At 37 years of age he had resigned to the fact that he wasn't going to have kids, so this was really important to him. Obviously we couldn't then sleep so we ended up in the bar at home playing pool for a couple of hours and managing to actually get really excited about the whole idea of a child.

Now, I’d love to say that we lived happily ever after and welcomed our child in a calamity of tears and laughter, but that's just not the case. The reality was, we hardly knew each other and although we had created an amazing little miracle together, one that we were happy and excited to experience, we were scared. I had spent most of my time pre-pregnancy, drinking and partying as hard as I possibly could, I was used to my social life including at least a six pack and he was used to me being drunk to be honest. That’s how we knew each other. That sounds bad, and no, I wasn’t an alcoholic, we did do other things. But our life was the job site, the pub, then home pretty much. Well, this is how I remember it anyway. Brendan is adamant we had many a sober and ‘normal’ moment….and I’m sure we did…I just don’t remember!
So all of a sudden my life as it seemed, just stopped. It was at this point we really had to face each other in a raw state. Something we hadn’t ever done. We suddenly had to make IMPORTANT choices and decisions together, again, something we hadn’t done. And we clashed on just about everything. Having a baby is a HUGE thing, the pressure of that and our constant disagreements broke us up…..things just got worse and worse. Out of fear of our extreme situation we reacted to things in extreme ways. Our emotions were so intense and we parted with me 3 months pregnant and us pretty much hating each other…..6 months later I’m due to give birth and we still weren’t speaking…

The Labor…. I was 8 days overdue and booked in for an induction. Brendan wasn’t advised. It was a hard thing to do, but things had really become ugly between us. I just wanted as smooth a birth as possible… The induction process was bazaar if you ask me. They inserted, quite literally, a piece of ribbon into…ahem…there. The fluid it was soaked in obviously was meant to stimulate contractions. I couldn’t help but quietly question this ‘ribbon’ idea! That was at 1pm. An hour later I felt a twinge….funnily enough I thought that was actually a sign that it WASN'T working and that it was just ‘annoying’ my cervix….within half an hour I realized it was, infact, working. I wasn’t in pain, and wasn’t having full blown contractions but I was uncomfortable and couldn’t sit still. I had a constant sensation much like someone had a toothbrush or the like in my vagina (that's the best i could come up with!! LOL). It wasn’t good, and it stung. 4pm came and I was 4 cm dilated. It was at this point they decided to break my waters. As the midwife explained what was about to happen I noticed she was brandishing a knitting needle with a hook on the end.
“So…after you break my waters we’re gonna have a craft lesson? I didn’t read this in the pregnancy manual!...”
The nurse managed to 'quick-unpick' the sack, and with a ‘POP’ my waters gushed out like a broken dam Now, THAT I read in the manual! Just as I started to get excited, thinking the birth was imminent, the contractions hit. BANG…ouch, relax. BANG…ouch, relax….etc. But within a couple of hours it hurt too much to even say ouch! By 6ish I found myself in the shower balanced precariously on a gym ball with the gas mouthpiece firmly gripped between my teeth. For me, the gas did NOTHING. Sorry I lie; the gas had the same effect on me as say a six pack of Jack Daniels and a couple of cones(so I hear...). Yet the pain continued to intensify. Eventually I got back on the bed where I curled into a fetal position and went silent. My contractions were now on top of each other with no breaks in between. Amazingly (or stupidly) at this point I still wanted to go without pain relief. Some hero I am, because within half an hour I was hooked up with an epidural and blowing kisses at the anesthetist. The relief was unreal.
My mother, my brother, my brothers’ girlfriend and my best mate Ash were all there and after the epidural set in, we all just sat around chatting – it was surreal. I was in labor but the silence and serenity was unexpected. And I felt nothing…and I mean NOTHING. The silence wasn’t as appreciated when I heard an almighty fart occur – and then realized it was me!!! How embarrassing – everyone was so polite…but I’m sure they were as embarrassed as I was. After the 5th or 6th fart I was over the embarrassment and was ready for a nap. So I slept for a while, and everyone was left just to pace the corridors and wait…until 6am!

When it came time to push the epidural was still working just as hard as ever and so I had to be told when I was contracting – I didn’t like this at all, I felt like I had no control at all. I couldn’t feel how hard I was pushing or even if I was pushing at all! But an hour and a half, an episiotomy and a vacuum extraction later, Sienna Cate was delivered onto my chest. She was blowing bubbles but pink and well! The experience is one that, after almost 16 months, I still cannot put into words…seeing her face for the first time…seeing what grew inside of me….it’s just an AWESOME act of nature.
The not so awesome act of nature was that my placenta was stuck, and after an especially long time attempting to push it out I was taken to surgery to have it removed. WARNING: if you are having a baby or are planning to – be sure to put in your labor plans that if you have a retained placenta that you MUST be under a GENERAL ANESTHETIC not just an extra shot in the epidural. I was awake and very aware during this short surgery and was completely traumatized by the fact that it was removed by way of the surgeon putting his hand/arm up….ahem…there… and manually retrieving the placenta! It didn’t hurt, but it was just all too much.

That all said, within 24 hours of the entire experience, I stated I’d do it ALL again for the sake of the miracle of a child….and I stand by that. There’s a big chance my placenta will stick again…there’s chances of lots of things in every pregnancy, labor and birth…and I’m not about to stress about it all. Once you’re holding your baby the dramas don’t matter. As pregnant women and as mothers all we can do is the best we possibly can with what we have and know, the rest…is beyond us. At the end of the day, if both Mother and Baby are well, then that’s a bonus and a miracle we are lucky to experience.

A lot happened in the next 9 months. But to sum it up, Brendan only met Sienna at 9 months, after months of bitterness and anger and lawyers and mediations. We worked out that we would have sorted things sooner if it weren’t for the lawyers. Brendan’s lawyers in particular didn’t help, with his first lawyer advising him to ask for minimal visits with Sienna. This was not what he wanted and when I received the court papers my lawyer and I took it as a sign that he didn’t care much for the daughter he hadn’t yet met. He then proceeded to change lawyers 2 more times which then made him look bad again (in the legal eye)….but to get to the point. The first time we had a chance to meet eye to eye and talk was the start of it all falling back into place. If you ever find yourself in this situation please, PLEASE I advise you to attempt independent mediation outside of the legal community!!! Get as much information as possible and do everything you possibly can to get some healthy communication started BEFORE you seek legal help…..that is if there is no abuse or the like of course.

Well... that was the entire blog.... that was how i felt. I have felt no need to omit anything I had saved and have only fixed any obvious grammatical errors..... I told you it was VERY honest! LOL

So there you go, a little more background from me.

Until next time, take care fellow bloggers xo


  1. Great story Tam. I love the fact that it is the bare basic truth, you right so beautifully though and you had me in tears several times. xx

  2. Ditto to what Tamsyn said, had me captivated the whole time. Guess the saying live and learn is so true ha.